When kids start asking their single parents

Posted at 11:11 am February 03, 2010

Tags: Child Health and Growth, Family, Parenting

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By Marjorie Gorospe

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MANILA CITY, METRO MANILA — Many children nowadays grow up living with their single parents, either mother or father, due to many factors such as early pregnancy. This renders the single parent unprepared for responsibilities, and sometimes it leads to separation of the parents.

But how do single parents respond when their kids start asking: “Why are mommy and daddy not together?”

According to consultant psychologist Ali Ng Gui, it is important for single parents to carefully explain to their child the real details in a way that he or she can understand.

“Usually, single parents talk cruelly about their partners, not realizing the effect it has on kids. Do not create hatred or resentment in your kids, because the situation is already too much for them,” Gui said.

Parents, Gui added, should be good models for proper actions and they should let the kids make their own opinion of both parents when they grow up.

Gui said that if your singleness was due to legal separation, it is also important that your give your child a chance to continue the relationship with your former partner as the child needs familiarity with both genders to form his or her own sense of identity.

“Children growing up with a broken family often undergo crises such as attachment, abandonment issues, physically and emotionally disturbed, disruption and getting defocused in their cognitive development if not given a proper guidance and the attention they need,” said Gui who is also a member of the International Society for the study of Trauma and Disassociation.

But to fill in the “missing” part of their child’s personality, here are some tips from Gui to help the parents avoid furthering their child’s crisis:

Decide to hire a nanny instead, choose someone who has good references.
Show your children that you love them every day. According to Gui, even if you are the only parent they have, you can give them the love they need. Gestures like hugging them before sleep, complimenting their work, cooking their favorite food and joining them to watch their favorite TV shows will make them feel sheltered.
Let your kids participate in your decisions concerning them. “This is an early training that will make your kids more responsible individuals. As a single parent, share them what is going on and let them suggest what they feel about it and it will also strengthen your bond as a family.”

Being a single parent, Gui elaborates, requires a great deal of strength but it is also rewarding. In the end your kids will recognize how wonderful you are as their parent. When the time comes for them to become parents themselves, they will ask for your child rearing tips and apply these to their own families.